Previously on Dirt.
- Ted. - Ted?
He's not the right one.
I thought that maybe we could do the press room together.
Don't take this the wrong way, Sharlee,
but we're... we're... we're done here.
You've built an empire on nothing.
You're welcome.
Don, I need this.
Sharlee and Mia, that is it.
I'm sorry, Lucy, you know, there's nothing there.
Give me the recorder.
Don, give it to me.
She is not a person, she is a product.
I figured that, after we slept together,
the least I could do is give you my personal email address.
A little something for all your efforts tonight.
One of my assistants just dropped in the room.
All right!
Lucy, it's your mother. Paul's birthday is coming up.
I'm going in for another touch-up this morning,
but I want the surgery to be his surprise...
you know, his little present.
I'll be away for a few days, and I'll be in a lot of pain,
which should make you very happy.
Okay. Well, I gotta go.
Eduardo, my Kundalini yoga master, is here.
And just so you know,
I was younger than you when I got my first touch-up.
You should think about it.
Hello?
Holy shit.
He looks like a very large Smurf.
That can happen when someone continues to breathe
with little or no oxygen
entering the lungs.
Okay, well, then, what's with the...
Erection?
Suffocating must have really,
really...
excited your friend... sexually.
Then I can positively say that that is Brent Barrow.
Season 2 Episode 7 In Lieu of Flowers...
- Good morning, Lucy. - Gather everybody in the bullpen.
Hey, Perri Tatum, former sitcom queen,
- Trim N'Fit spokes person... - Love her. Go.
According to my source at the ad agency that handles Trim N'Fit...
This sucks.
The copy, not your idea. Go ahead.
She supposed to shoot her quarterly weight loss photos,
the only problem is that she's packed on about 30 of the 80 pounds she lost.
Loving it more. What's the story?
Her people have contacted a handful of doctors
about Perri coming in for a little lipo,
you know, so it'll appear the diet's working.
The problem is, Perri has a heart condition
that ups her chances of dying in surgery to, like, one in a hundred.
So every doctor has turned her down, except for this one surgeon up in Ojai
who's willing to do the surgery if she signs a waiver.
God, I love stupid celebrities. Just makes my life so much easier.
That's really good work.
Don't screw it up with your Harvard words.
Okay, everyone.
Our publisher, Brent Barrow, is dead.
What?
Yes.
He passed out in his garage
while his car was running, and died of carbon monoxide poisoning.
There's a service on Thursday. Kenny will e-mail you the details.
You're all expected to attend,
even those of you who couldn't stand him,
and we all know who we are.
He literally partied himself to death.
And you could really see it sticking up through the body bag?
Yes.
Yes. It was horrible.
That's too bad,
because if he had ever done anything else
of note in his life, he'd be my next cover.
So why is this bugging you so much?
I don't know.
Poor thing, he just tried so hard.
It was pathetic. I mean, the guy died trying to fit in.
You know what?
When I first moved to Hollywood,
someone told me to be careful what you ask for,
because you just might get it.
I think he got what he asked for.
I don't think you have to be careful what you ask for,
you just have to be very specific.
Really?
Yeah, okay.
What?
What are you thinking?
Just thinking about how beautiful you are.
I'm sorry I'm obsessing on this.
I should be obsessing about the fact
you're gonna do a movie with Claire Leland, the black widow.
She does want me, and she's gonna seduce me, so...
I'm sure she's gonna try. What are you gonna do?
Hey, take it easy.
I've been over the edge. I'm not going back.
Oh, yeah?
Besides, I already have one woman I can't handle.
What the hell am I gonna do with another one?
So you gonna keep talking...
Or are you gonna give me a reason not to succumb
to Claire Leland's little evil seduction?
- God, you're such a little shit. - Come here.
- No. - I swear, I won't do anything.
- I swear. It'd be good. - I know.
Wouldn't it be good? Too bad.
- Oh, yeah. - I got it.
- No, I think that's mine. - My God. You kicked me in the face.
Your feet smell terrible.
It's mine. Farber.
Right now?
Right. Jesus, I mean, you know, of course.
Give me a second.
What?
I hate to do this, but...
I have to leave.
- Where? - Just help a friend.
He's... He's in trouble.
Car trouble? Girlfriend trouble?
The kind of trouble with red flashing lights and a siren.
What'd he get busted for?
It's totally stupid.
That's it?
You're not even gonna tell me what this is really about?
I just did. It's totally stupid.
What?
- You don't believe me? - No, no, no, I believe you.
Yes. It's just...
Nothing. Forget it. Just go. It's fine.
If you're gonna snoop,
which I guarantee that you're going to now,
you're not gonna find much. So knock yourself out.
Thanks for bailing me out, man.
I'm kind of surprised you called me.
Other than playing poker, it's not like we hang out.
No one else is around.
It's, like, party weekend, so...
They're all down in Palm Springs.
Actually, there's a reason I called you.
You work for Dirt.
What, you want me to write about this?
Wait, wait, here... How's this for a title?
Former teen heartthrob busted
barebacking bartender in bathroom.
It was just a blowjob, for Christ's sake.
What do the cops think goes on
in a place called the Iron Fist anyway?
How much trouble am I in, man?
I mean, is this gonna get out?
- I mean, there's a police report. - But not under my stage name.
You gotta help bury this, man.
Keep it out of Dirt. I just landed this role.
First decent role I've had in 7 years.
Since the series ended.
It's funded by this Christian group
that doesn't even know I'm gay.
If this gets out, I'm out.
I am flat broke, Farber.
I seriously need this paycheck.
I'll do what I can.
Okay. Once this paycheck comes in...
screw these right-wingers or those 12-year-old girls
that ever had a crush on me...
I will come out in Dirt.
Your story. Exclusive.
Hell, I'll probably get a parade
out of this or something. Stupid reality show.
As soon as the check clears, man.
Because, if my boss finds out about this,
I'm gonna be the one bending over and grabbing my ankles.
Where'd you learn to eat, a barn?
I'm sorry. It's like a thousand degrees hot.
I don't know why they serve it this way.
I usually have better manners... table manners.
- My brother, Jason... - It's okay.
It's... Just slurp softer.
I am sorry.
I said it's okay.
- No, about this. - What are you... My God!
You people have no boundaries! Stop it!
Gee.
Lucy Spiller from DirtNow magazine,
she knows about your surgery.
You go in for the lipo, she's gonna write about it.
That is none of her business.
As our Lord and Savior, God's son,
said on the cross,
it is finished.
So our Lord will welcome
Brent Barrow into Heaven.
And Brent Barrow is now feasting at God's table.
And we must feel a joy for Brent
because there will come a day when we all
will be feasting at God's table with him.
Now, if any of Brent's friends, family,
or colleagues wish to say a few words,
I encourage you to please stand and speak from your heart.
Are you off your medication?
Astute.
Daring.
Ambitious.
So, I kinda figured
that you owed me for the other night.
- Jesus, here? - Yes.
A step ahead in a world where most people
are two steps behind.
Many people find these
qualities abrasive,
but I found in Brent
a kindred spirit.
Let God be his judge!
Because if I hear of anyone
under my employ making judgments,
you will be terminated.
Adieu, Brent Barrow.
I will miss you, my friend.
You know, if I thought he wouldn't throw up on the rug,
I'd invite him over for dinner.
I'd invite him anyway.
- If you don't mind me watching... - God!
Keep going. You won't be the first ones.
Jesus.
Hey, Lucy, your brother's been on hold for 30 minutes.
He says it's urgent.
Kenny, you'll learn that my brother's entire life is urgent.
Unfortunately, none of it ever turns out to be very important.
There was a problem with Mom's plastic surgery.
She died.
So, was it important?
Yes, it was.
My mother's dead.
I'm sorry.
What about if I can sleep over, you know?
I'll call Jason and... He won't mind.
I'm okay, sweetie. Thank you.
I'm fine.
Okay, I'm not.
Death...
I get it. It's guaranteed, I understand that.
But why does it seem that everybody is oblivious
to the fact that they're swimming in deep water until they drown?
Because we're stupid.
We all do stupid things, Lucy. I have, you have.
We just don't think they're gonna kill us.
You know, about...
the Sharlee tape, I'm... I'm sorry.
It's okay.
It's not okay, it's just that...
I'm glad to see that you're healthy enough to stand up to me.
All right, I'm on dut... If you need me, you...
Thank you.
Hey, your story on that singer and her extreme sport boyfriend?
All true according to TMZ.
They have a video of some stripper giving him a pretty racy lap dance.
That's perfect. See if we can get some stills for the article.
Mitchell Bianchi.
Detective Ortiz?
Hi. It's Willa McPherson. Did you like the champagne?
Great! Listen, I'm trying to track an arrest sheet
for a Mitchell Bianchi, very early wednesday morning.
Yeah, still the same fax number.
How's the shoot going?
Lucy, I'm so sorry to hear about your mom.
I'm kinda sorry that I had to hear it from my publicist.
I'm sorry...
You're working and I just...
I didn't want to bother you.
Come on, Lucy, you can't bullshit me.
All right Holt, I don't want to talk about this, okay?
Let me just get through the next couple of days.
All right. I'm gonna come back to LA
- as soon as we wrap tonight, all right? - No!
This is not the way I want people to find out about us.
Hello?
I'm here.
All right, I don't need you angry with me right now. Not over this.
Let me just figure this out on my own.
You know what most people do?
They lean on each other.
It's called being in a relationship.
You're not most people, Holt.
I don't even think I am anymore...
let me just deal here and you focus on making a great movie.
I don't function well inside this box.
I know.
I'll call you, okay?
Holy shit!
I used to kiss your poster every night.
"Giving oral assistance to another male in a public restroom..."
I guess my fantasy of us having a big wedding
and lots of babies is certainly not happening.
So, these are some of Mom's favorite outfits and she loved yellow roses,
so I ordered an arrangement from you and me.
Her favorite outfits and yellow roses. I'm here.
Paul wrote a poem for the memorial.
- A poem? - Six verses.
You gotta say something for the senior shack-up.
Do you want to say anything at the memorial?
I've said enough.
She loved you.
That wasn't the issue. We didn't like each other.
Nah, I'll go with the heels.
What am I saying? She's in a box.
I just wish there was something we could've done to stop her.
Leo, plastic surgery was her opiate.
No one could have stopped her.
You know, the one thing I know Mom would have wanted was
to look great in her casket to make her friends envious.
But with the botched surgery...
What's for lunch, Perri?
I'd like to eat in peace, guys.
Come on. What's on the menu?
A turkey hot dog.
Okay? It's on my diet for Christ's sakes. Come on!
I like it, I like it.
Come on, Perri. Come on, Perri.
Come on, hon. Give us a show, give us a show.
Come on, get up!
Show us what you got! All right! Here we go!
I am fat!
Okay? So what?
Yeah! I like it!
Is this what you want? You want me to go...
My fat ass! Okay?
How about these? Big titties! That turn you boys on, huh?
Don't wanna miss my belly!
Come on, take Tatum's fat belly!
You know what? Now it's my turn to shoot!
Oh, shit.
Oh, shit. What did I do?
You just became the patron Saint of celebrities.
After placing the implants, we will enlarge both aureoles,
making sure that they're symmetrical.
Excuse me, I'm in the middle of a consultation.
Your tits are fine.
Could you wait outside?
- Who are you? - I'm Lucy Spiller.
- You killed my mother. - I didn't kill her.
She had internal bleeding from scar tissue...
Scar tissue from too many surgeries. Surgeries you performed, doctor.
- I'm calling the police. - You ought to call your lawyer.
- You can't... - I can.
And the ensuing article will not only cover
the 3 people who died from your surgeries over the last 17 years,
but also how you're a devoted family man
and an elder at your Hillcrest Presbyterian Church
while you keep a junkie mistress in the Marina.
I'm sorry about your mother, but I could not know...
I haven't even gotten to the best part.
- What's this? - This is your patient list.
It's a "Who's who" and the surgeries they've had done.
It's gonna make for great copy, isn't it?
I mean, it's gonna kill your business,
but, man, am I gonna sell some magazines!
What do you want? Free plastic surgery?
- For life? - Hello?
You just killed my mother!
- Can you believe this guy? - Unbelievable.
Dr. Sandburn, if you want to keep off the cover of my magazine,
you're going to make my mother look better in death
than she ever did in life.
- I'm not a mortician. - You're right, you're better.
So cancel your Botox and your butt lifts
for the next couple of days, because my mother's memorial is friday
and it's open-casket.
And by the way, from now on you're going to be my go-to guy for stars
and what they have done.
I'll call you.
Leo, be a man. Punch him.
Sorry.
- Hey, Sharlee, what'd you buy? - Just some stuff for the baby.
Move! You guys, please move.
- Hi, Don. - Hi.
- Come on, Sharlee. - Come on, Sharlee.
That's a good family photo!
Love the boots, Sharlee!
Come on, turn around!
Come on!
Freakin'move!
Get out of my face!
Come on, Sharlee, come on!
Move! Get the hell out of my way!
Don't be so rude, Sharlee, come on!
It's okay, baby Romy. We're gonna get home in a second.
Okay.
- Come on, Sharlee. - Freakin'paparazzi!
- Whoa, Piece of shit! Move! - Hey, your stroller,
sweet cheeks!
Sharlee, come on! Stay with us, Sharlee.
Shit!
Stupid door!
Get out of my face!
Whoa! Hey, Sharlee, the car's rolling.
The door's locked!
- Romy! - Mom.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Please... Move!
Can you open the door?
Help me!
Romy!
Romy! Oh, my God.
Romy! Can you help me?
Romy! Oh, my God! Somebody please help!
Oh, my God. Oh!
Stop! Romy!
Romy!
- Are you okay? - Are you okay?
Are you okay?
Thank you, Don.
I'm sorry I didn't get the shot, Lucy, but the truck
was rolling down the h... and the baby
- was crying-- - Don, you did a great thing, seriously.
I mean, just don't ever let it happen again.
Hey, there you are! Okay,
I just got this from my source at the emergency call center.
It's... It's gold.
9-1-1 emergency operator. Name and location, please?
Perri Tatum! 714 Sky View Drive, in the Palisades.
I need an ambulance!
What seems to be the problem, ma'am?
I was trying to do this colonic and now
I'm lying here in... shit!
I just can't get this tube out of...
Just get me a goddamn ambulance!
Un-shittin'- believable!
And I mean that literally.
The woman hates herself so much
she tore herself a new asshole.
Go get a picture of Perri in the hospital.
You go with him. Get her side of the story.
What are you, a Bobble Head? Go!
Hi, Carol. This is Lucy Spiller.
I need some shots of Sharlee from the grocery store today.
Yes, the ones that everyone wants.
Yeah. Did you also get some of Don saving that kid?
Okay, great. Throw those in, too.
Yeah, it's a nice thing he did. I want to give him a gift.
Okay. Thank you.
- Hello, there. - Hi.
- How'd you get in here? - It's my job.
Uh, before you do that, Miss Tatum, we have a copy of your call to 9-1-1.
Okay? But listen.
Dirt Now Magazine wants your side of the story,
exclusively.
You run that 9-1-1 call, people are gonna think I have shit for brains.
Not after hearing the tape.
They won't think you had an ounce of shit in you, much less brains.
You parasites like kicking people when they're down.
We're offering you an opportunity to kick back,
if you'll take it.
I've seen Lucy Spiller.
What's she weigh?
About a hundred pounds wet?
Give or take.
You tell her.
She screws me over,
I will hunt her skinny ass down and I will
crush her like a grape.
I'll happily pass along the message.
So you'll talk?
Ask.
Mitch Stanton.
Not stopping me from having to pee.
You know, the ex teen star of My Dad's the Maid?
He just got busted having oral in the bathroom of a gay bar.
'Cause that's never happened.
Unless he was blowing a senator, who cares?
He just got the lead in God's Warrior,
a movie being produced by Evangelical Films.
You know, the Christian movie company?
- I like the irony, but still... - Oh, could you just read it?
- Now? - Yeah.
Well, don't come with me.
We're not girlfriends.
All right. I'll run it.
In the back of the book.
Figures.
Wait for me, my love.
Wait for me...
until we finally mate celestially.
We'll make heaven as hot
as hell might wish to be.
And when we then embrace,
our spirits free,
we'll blend and
mix and merge
ephemerally.
And then at last we'll know,
sweet Dorothy,
the meaning
of eternal ecstasy.
If deaths come in threes,
I hope he's next.
I should... talk to Paul.
I'm sorry.
Hey, you didn't have to come.
No, I love you, Luce, and I don't mind dead people.
Lucy.
Your mother was a wonderful woman.
Generous with her time and talents.
And such a blithe spirit.
- Thank you. - One question, darling.
Who did your mother? We all agree, she looks 10 years younger.
She died on his table.
Oh! Oh, it's tragic. Really. But...
if she had to go, at least she went looking her best.
I can't believe I was raised by such a selfish woman.
I just... I resent that.
I really resent it!
She just had so many insecurities.
Well, we all have insecurities, Luce.
But, Don, hers killed her.
She... Okay.
You know, I always thought that one day I would have the chance
to become friends with her, to...
to make some sort of peace.
And now... now you can't do that.
I know.
Yeah, we all need someone who's got our back.
Thank God I have you.
Always, Luce.
And I have you.
But you need someone other than me you can share your life with.
You have somebody in mind?
See?
See, I like it when you smile.
Makes me believe that everything's gonna be all right.
Well, I also smile when I want to rip somebody's head off.
Yeah, but I believe everything's good when you do that too.
You're sweet.
Hey, this is Holt. Leave a message.
Hi.
I was just, um,
wanting to call you.
Okay, I'll talk to you tomorrow.
Bye.
Oh, Don.
So sweet.
I gotta thank you.
I just learned a valuable lesson
- in who to trust! - You would've done the same thing.
No! I would not have done the same thing.
If I had known you were going to bail out
your little gay friend, I wouldn't have.
What's the big secret anyway? I mean, next time try honesty.
You didn't just say that.
Look, I've been with guys that keep secrets from me,
and it always ends up in one place:
- me getting screwed over. - Yeah, well, now you know why.
This runs now, and it's worth nothing, okay?
Mitch'll get dumped from the movie and then he's a non-story.
Well, he should've worried about that before he knobbed some
bartender in a toilet.
All I'm asking is that you wait until the movie is shot,
and then he's gonna come out in the magazine. I mean, that is a cover.
It stings getting scooped by your girlfriend, doesn't it?
Willa stole this story
by sticking a knife in my back.
Well, take it out and get back to work.
Trust me, knife wounds heal.
Yes.
But how much in Euros are we talking?
Twenty-two million? Close it.
Sorry.
Buying a place next to Clooney in Italy.
I don't mean to take you away from your busy day. I...
wanted to tell you how sorry I am about your mother.
Well, you sent flowers.
- I did? - Mm-hmm.
Oh. Well, I wanted you to hear it from my lips.
Thank you.
While I was at Brent's...
collecting some
things I'd left there, I
discovered a collection of homemade sex tapes.
- You know, it doesn't surprise me. - Granted,
his system isn't as sophisticated as mine.
I have a multi-camera system in my bedroom.
The quality of Brent's is crude, but
slyly effective.
Okay. And?
I didn't view it. Out of respect.
- Respect? - You don't believe me?
No. I-I believe you.
Because this is bullshit.
Oh, come on. Barrow and me?
Give me some credit. I wouldn't bang him with your dick.
Willa with a wig.
That girl never ceases to surprise.
Can I have the rest of those tapes?
Just for safe keeping?
I'll have one of my assistants drop them off.
Well, McPherson, I hope it was as good for you as it was for me.
I have a copy of Brent's autopsy.
As Lucy said, he died of carbon monoxide poisoning, but
the list of drugs in his system is pretty startling,
if, um...
if anybody is interested.
Mitch.
Oh, my God!
You lying sack of shit! I lost the movie!
I don't even have enough money to pay my own rent!
- Look, I didn't write... - Somehow, some way...
- I'm gonna return this favor, okay? - Look, Mitch. Stop it! Stop it!
Farber didn't write the story about you. All right? I did.
We had a thing and I found out about you, and I ran with it.
- It's not his... - So what? So what?
What am I supposed to do, not hate Farber now? Is that what you want?
Okay.
I don't hate him anymore. Feel better?
I just think he's pathetic
for hosing a heartless bitch like you.
How are you?
Okay.
I gotta be back to set tomorrow, but I
kinda got the feeling you need me here tonight.
That's sweet.
No, but wait a second. Before you let me in, um,
know something.
Look, as soon as I'm done with this movie,
Julia or no Julia...
I'm going public with this relationship.
So you have an option.
You have to make a decision here.
If, um...
If you don't let me in...
that's going to be the end of us, all right?
I'm not going to be happy about it, but I'll understand,
so...
But if you do let me in...
We can't hide this anymore.
We can't. I can't do that.
So, you gotta... you gotta make the decision here. You gotta figure it out.
Get you anything?
No, I think I'm good.
Oh. I want to introduce you to somebody.
Holt, this is my mom.
Mom, this is Holt.
It's nice to, uh, meet you
finally,
Mrs. Weston.
I just want you to know that I have every intention of taking
full advantage of your daughter tonight.
So if there's any objections, um...
let me know, all right?
- Give us a second here? - Yeah, I'm sorry.
Let the woman speak. Thank you.
Thank you. I appreciate that.
She loves me.
She does. I don't know what to tell you,
but she does.
She approves, too.
T H E E N D